Post by Falcor on May 28, 2007 17:50:22 GMT -5
Stiffy sent me these as well. There are a lot so i will break them into separate posts....
What happens when you sprinkle pepper on a Free Worlds Leaguer?
Who cares?
Hanse Davion and Ardan Sortek are sitting in a bar, called "The Flaming Sword"..
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Hanse Davion and Ardan Sortek sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them. They come in here all the time"
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Davion says, "We're planning the Fifth Succession War."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Hanse says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Capellans this time, and one blonde with big breasts."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?"
Hanse turns to Sortek and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Capellans!"
How many Capellens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Friend citizen, you are mistaken, the lightbulb needs no replacing, the ambient light is more than adequate for you to continue your duties.
How many Free Worlders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. But they'll need to hold a war to see who that one is.
How many Lyrans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Tender your bid and they'll get back to you on the manpower issues.
How many Dracs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fool! Lightbulbs are of the old way, we practice the new way with candles!
How many Fedders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If it's someone else's lightbulb, just one, because he'll do it right. If it's a good Fedsuns lightbulb don't worry, it's fine as it is because we got it right the first time.
How many Wobbies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The bulb does not need replacing. Yeah, for the bulb shall be ressurected and the light shall return, shining forth unto all humanity from our house in perpetuity, guiding the rightious and scorching the heinous. Yeah for Jerome Blake himself hath screwed in that first lightbulb upon divine revelation that there would need to be light . . .
How many Jade Falcons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. We are Jade Falcon. We do not fear the dark.
A squad of Lyran troops are patrolling near the Lyon's thumb. To their surprise, they find the badly mangled body of a Combine soldier in a ditch beside the road. Not far away, they find a badly wounded Lyran private in a ditch on the other side of t he road. The squad ran to him and began performing first aid and giving him water. The squad leader cradled the wounded soldier's blood-covered head and asked him what happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I ran into this heavily armed Combine border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted "Your generals are hide-bound hypocritical life-wasting incompetants!""
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back "Your generals are corrupt hide-bound hypocritical life-wasting incompetants too! "
"We were standing there shaking hands when the hovertruck hit us"
How many Periphery bums does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a what?
Two Elementals walked into a bar. The Mechwarrior walked under it.
Bunch of Steiners mechjocks and a Davion mechjock are mountain climbing. One of them slips and before you can say "Kroner" they are all hanging on the rope. A rope that is about to rip so someone has to let go. Big discussion between the Steiners on who outranks whom and wether or not it is military or social rank that applies. Finally the Davion has enough and decides to make the ultimate sacrifice. And just so the Lyrans learns something, he breaks into a passionate speach about how the Davions are willing to sacrifice everything so that their new brothers can live and be happy and all. When he's finished, all the Lyrans are so gripped that they start to clap...
A Davion and a Capellan are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.
The Capellan says, "I want a wall around The Confederation to protect my culture. Make it about impenetrable so nothing can get in or out."
"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"
The Davion smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
Q: What's the difference between a lightbulb and the jihad-era House Marik?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Clan Wolf Mechwarrior: Knock, knock.
Clan Jade Falcon Mechwarrior: No! It is you who is wrong.
Clan Ice Hellion warrior: "What is the difference between a Clan Coyote warrior, and the Terran animal from which that Clan takes its name?"
Clan Star Adder warrior: "I do not know. What is the difference between a Clan Coyote warrior, and the Terran animal from which that Clan takes its name?"
Clan Ice Hellion warrior: "One is a scavenger that lurks on the outskirts of settlements, scavenging for garbage. The other is an animal."
One day on Outreach, a stranger walks into a 'Mech hangar and happens upon the commander of a mercenary company inspecting his 'Mechs. The stranger says to the Merc, "Hey, I'll bet you my pick of any 'Mech in this hangar that I can guess where you're from. And if I lose, I'll guarantee you a contract with the House of your choice at 150% of going rates." Now, the Merc thinks to himself, I've always told people I'm Kuritan, because of my Japanese heritage, but there's no way this guy will guess I'm really a Rasalhagian! And I sure could use that contract..
So he takes the bet, and lo and behold, the stranger guesses correctly! Shaking his head, the Merc tells the stranger to take his pick, and watches forlornly as the guy scampers over and begins to climb into his new acquisition. But before he reaches the top, the Merc calls out to him: "Hey! I bet you double or nothing that I can guess where you're from!" The stranger, with a greedy gleam in his eyes at the prospect of owning two 'Mechs, readily agrees.
"You're from the Davion Outback, aren't you," the Merc asks.
"How could you possibly guess that?!" the stranger blurts out in shock.
The 'Merc replies with a smile, "you're attempting to ride off in my repair gantry."
What happens when you sprinkle pepper on a Free Worlds Leaguer?
Who cares?
Hanse Davion and Ardan Sortek are sitting in a bar, called "The Flaming Sword"..
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Hanse Davion and Ardan Sortek sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them. They come in here all the time"
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Davion says, "We're planning the Fifth Succession War."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Hanse says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Capellans this time, and one blonde with big breasts."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?"
Hanse turns to Sortek and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Capellans!"
How many Capellens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Friend citizen, you are mistaken, the lightbulb needs no replacing, the ambient light is more than adequate for you to continue your duties.
How many Free Worlders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. But they'll need to hold a war to see who that one is.
How many Lyrans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Tender your bid and they'll get back to you on the manpower issues.
How many Dracs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fool! Lightbulbs are of the old way, we practice the new way with candles!
How many Fedders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If it's someone else's lightbulb, just one, because he'll do it right. If it's a good Fedsuns lightbulb don't worry, it's fine as it is because we got it right the first time.
How many Wobbies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The bulb does not need replacing. Yeah, for the bulb shall be ressurected and the light shall return, shining forth unto all humanity from our house in perpetuity, guiding the rightious and scorching the heinous. Yeah for Jerome Blake himself hath screwed in that first lightbulb upon divine revelation that there would need to be light . . .
How many Jade Falcons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. We are Jade Falcon. We do not fear the dark.
A squad of Lyran troops are patrolling near the Lyon's thumb. To their surprise, they find the badly mangled body of a Combine soldier in a ditch beside the road. Not far away, they find a badly wounded Lyran private in a ditch on the other side of t he road. The squad ran to him and began performing first aid and giving him water. The squad leader cradled the wounded soldier's blood-covered head and asked him what happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I ran into this heavily armed Combine border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted "Your generals are hide-bound hypocritical life-wasting incompetants!""
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back "Your generals are corrupt hide-bound hypocritical life-wasting incompetants too! "
"We were standing there shaking hands when the hovertruck hit us"
How many Periphery bums does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a what?
Two Elementals walked into a bar. The Mechwarrior walked under it.
Bunch of Steiners mechjocks and a Davion mechjock are mountain climbing. One of them slips and before you can say "Kroner" they are all hanging on the rope. A rope that is about to rip so someone has to let go. Big discussion between the Steiners on who outranks whom and wether or not it is military or social rank that applies. Finally the Davion has enough and decides to make the ultimate sacrifice. And just so the Lyrans learns something, he breaks into a passionate speach about how the Davions are willing to sacrifice everything so that their new brothers can live and be happy and all. When he's finished, all the Lyrans are so gripped that they start to clap...
A Davion and a Capellan are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.
The Capellan says, "I want a wall around The Confederation to protect my culture. Make it about impenetrable so nothing can get in or out."
"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"
The Davion smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
Q: What's the difference between a lightbulb and the jihad-era House Marik?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Clan Wolf Mechwarrior: Knock, knock.
Clan Jade Falcon Mechwarrior: No! It is you who is wrong.
Clan Ice Hellion warrior: "What is the difference between a Clan Coyote warrior, and the Terran animal from which that Clan takes its name?"
Clan Star Adder warrior: "I do not know. What is the difference between a Clan Coyote warrior, and the Terran animal from which that Clan takes its name?"
Clan Ice Hellion warrior: "One is a scavenger that lurks on the outskirts of settlements, scavenging for garbage. The other is an animal."
One day on Outreach, a stranger walks into a 'Mech hangar and happens upon the commander of a mercenary company inspecting his 'Mechs. The stranger says to the Merc, "Hey, I'll bet you my pick of any 'Mech in this hangar that I can guess where you're from. And if I lose, I'll guarantee you a contract with the House of your choice at 150% of going rates." Now, the Merc thinks to himself, I've always told people I'm Kuritan, because of my Japanese heritage, but there's no way this guy will guess I'm really a Rasalhagian! And I sure could use that contract..
So he takes the bet, and lo and behold, the stranger guesses correctly! Shaking his head, the Merc tells the stranger to take his pick, and watches forlornly as the guy scampers over and begins to climb into his new acquisition. But before he reaches the top, the Merc calls out to him: "Hey! I bet you double or nothing that I can guess where you're from!" The stranger, with a greedy gleam in his eyes at the prospect of owning two 'Mechs, readily agrees.
"You're from the Davion Outback, aren't you," the Merc asks.
"How could you possibly guess that?!" the stranger blurts out in shock.
The 'Merc replies with a smile, "you're attempting to ride off in my repair gantry."
