Post by Falcor on Sept 22, 2007 16:30:56 GMT -5
Found this on Facebook. A lot of new ones on there....
Pretty long, so I hope you have time.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
------------------------------------------
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
------------------------------------------
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f**k he wants.
------------------------------------------
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
------------------------------------------
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
-----------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
-----------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
------------------------------------------
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
------------------------------------------
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
------------------------------------------
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
------------------------------------------
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take nuts from anyone.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**k**g Indian.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
------------------------------------------
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's f**k**g beef.
------------------------------------------
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
------------------------------------------
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
------------------------------------------
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
------------------------------------------
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
------------------------------------------
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the f**k out of the way.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
------------------------------------------
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
------------------------------------------
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
------------------------------------------
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of girl thingy Chuck Norris eats.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
------------------------------------------
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a girl thingy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
------------------------------------------
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
------------------------------------------
Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
------------------------------------------
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
------------------------------------------
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
------------------------------------------
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
------------------------------------------
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his thingy.
------------------------------------------
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
------------------------------------------
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
------------------------------------------
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the f**k Chuck Norris is.
------------------------------------------
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
------------------------------------------
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
------------------------------------------
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
------------------------------------------
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
------------------------------------------
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
------------------------------------------
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
------------------------------------------
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "Shitting bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech.
------------------------------------------
When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.
------------------------------------------
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris used to beat the nuts out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
------------------------------------------
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
------------------------------------------
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
------------------------------------------
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
------------------------------------------
The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
------------------------------------------
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
------------------------------------------
When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris built Rome in a day - and when he goes there on holidays, he does things exactly opposite to the way the Romans do.
------------------------------------------
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
------------------------------------------
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better f**k**g do what Chuck Norris says.
------------------------------------------
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
------------------------------------------
ADD is not a disease. It's just impossible to focus when you know that Chuck Norris could strike at any moment.
-----------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
------------------------------------------
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't eat beef jerky. He eats the entire cow and craps out beef jerky.
------------------------------------------
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
------------------------------------------
Vin Diesel can be re-arranged to say, "I end lives". Screw that; Chuck Norris can be re-arranged to say "Chuck Norris", Which means the same thing.
-----------------------------------------
A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. That is why they no longer exist.
-----------------------------------------
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but 300 pounds of heavy artillery a day still won't keep Chuck Norris away.
-----------------------------------------
Chuck Norris use to be a regular guest on Sesame Street, until Snuffleupagus accidentally ate his sandwich. Many muppets died that day.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can send faxes by speaking into the phone jack
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once noticed that each women orgasms at a specific frequency. After 10 minutes of practice, he preformed the first ever orgasm orchestra for the largest crowd in music histroy. Unfortunately, the sight of Chuck Norris having sex caused every audience member to also orgasm, ruining his masterpiece.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris has passed gas once. Its now known as the Bubonic Plague.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris does not use condoms. Chuck Norris uses live rattlesnakes.
------------------------------------------
Starting in May of 2006, there will be four sizes of popcorn at AMC movie theaters: "Small", "Medium", "Large", and "Chuck Norris' Balls".
------------------------------------------
If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.
------------------------------------------
If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
------------------------------------------
If you count the number of individual spermatozoa your testes will produce in your lifetime, it's still less that the number of women that have achieved orgasm by running their hands through Chuck Norris's chest hair.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't fart, he makes smelly tornadoes.
------------------------------------------Chuck Norris doesn't fart, he makes smelly tornadoes.
------------------------------------------
Mott's apple juice originally started as an inside joke between Chuck Norris and his invisible friend. His invisible friend bet him that he couldn't urinate into bottles and sell it to people.
------------------------------------------
Due to Chuck Norris's obsess with staring contests, he can never be allowed to look at a mirror.
Pretty long, so I hope you have time.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
------------------------------------------
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
------------------------------------------
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f**k he wants.
------------------------------------------
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
------------------------------------------
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
-----------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
-----------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
------------------------------------------
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
------------------------------------------
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
------------------------------------------
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
------------------------------------------
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take nuts from anyone.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**k**g Indian.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
------------------------------------------
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's f**k**g beef.
------------------------------------------
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
------------------------------------------
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
------------------------------------------
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
------------------------------------------
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
------------------------------------------
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the f**k out of the way.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
------------------------------------------
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
------------------------------------------
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
------------------------------------------
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of girl thingy Chuck Norris eats.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
------------------------------------------
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a girl thingy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
------------------------------------------
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
------------------------------------------
Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
------------------------------------------
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
------------------------------------------
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
------------------------------------------
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
------------------------------------------
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his thingy.
------------------------------------------
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
------------------------------------------
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
------------------------------------------
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the f**k Chuck Norris is.
------------------------------------------
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
------------------------------------------
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
------------------------------------------
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
------------------------------------------
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
------------------------------------------
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
------------------------------------------
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
------------------------------------------
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "Shitting bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech.
------------------------------------------
When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.
------------------------------------------
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris used to beat the nuts out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
------------------------------------------
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
------------------------------------------
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
------------------------------------------
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
------------------------------------------
The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
------------------------------------------
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
------------------------------------------
When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris built Rome in a day - and when he goes there on holidays, he does things exactly opposite to the way the Romans do.
------------------------------------------
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
------------------------------------------
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better f**k**g do what Chuck Norris says.
------------------------------------------
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
------------------------------------------
ADD is not a disease. It's just impossible to focus when you know that Chuck Norris could strike at any moment.
-----------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
------------------------------------------
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't eat beef jerky. He eats the entire cow and craps out beef jerky.
------------------------------------------
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
------------------------------------------
Vin Diesel can be re-arranged to say, "I end lives". Screw that; Chuck Norris can be re-arranged to say "Chuck Norris", Which means the same thing.
-----------------------------------------
A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. That is why they no longer exist.
-----------------------------------------
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but 300 pounds of heavy artillery a day still won't keep Chuck Norris away.
-----------------------------------------
Chuck Norris use to be a regular guest on Sesame Street, until Snuffleupagus accidentally ate his sandwich. Many muppets died that day.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris can send faxes by speaking into the phone jack
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris once noticed that each women orgasms at a specific frequency. After 10 minutes of practice, he preformed the first ever orgasm orchestra for the largest crowd in music histroy. Unfortunately, the sight of Chuck Norris having sex caused every audience member to also orgasm, ruining his masterpiece.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris has passed gas once. Its now known as the Bubonic Plague.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris does not use condoms. Chuck Norris uses live rattlesnakes.
------------------------------------------
Starting in May of 2006, there will be four sizes of popcorn at AMC movie theaters: "Small", "Medium", "Large", and "Chuck Norris' Balls".
------------------------------------------
If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.
------------------------------------------
If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
------------------------------------------
If you count the number of individual spermatozoa your testes will produce in your lifetime, it's still less that the number of women that have achieved orgasm by running their hands through Chuck Norris's chest hair.
------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't fart, he makes smelly tornadoes.
------------------------------------------Chuck Norris doesn't fart, he makes smelly tornadoes.
------------------------------------------
Mott's apple juice originally started as an inside joke between Chuck Norris and his invisible friend. His invisible friend bet him that he couldn't urinate into bottles and sell it to people.
------------------------------------------
Due to Chuck Norris's obsess with staring contests, he can never be allowed to look at a mirror.
their still fun 
